Jane and I have been friends for over 8 years. We do a lot of things together and we are pretty much like sisters now.

A couple of months ago, Jane met a guy, they fell in love and started dating. Jane always wants to be very sure about her relationships though, and she has zero tolerance for cheating. So, she planned that I should test her boyfriend for a month, to see if he will fall in love with me. I objected at first, but after a lot of persuasion, I agreed.

I tried not to fall in love with the guy, but I couldn’t help it. He was tall, dark, handsome and very caring. He was my dream man. After a while, I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me too. It was a mutual connection.

I could not lie to him anymore since I love him. So, I opened up to him about Jane’s plan. He was surprised and disappointed, but I assured him that I really love him and that I’m no longer following the plan.

Now, the issue is that I don’t want Jane to see me as a bad friend, but at the same time, I have fallen in love with this guy… I feel somehow terrible about this situation. I don’t wanna be labeled a “boyfriend snatcher.”

Please advise me guys.

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS!

My father was diagnosed with lung cancer and now, we need 3.5 million naira (about 10,000 US Dollars) to fly him abroad for treatment. I have been job hunting for a while, so I have no money. My elder sister, who we thought could help is saying she does not have that kind of money right now. I therefore decided to go to the hospital, with the hope that I can convince the doctor to start treatment pending the time all the financial issues will be sorted out.

The hospital was not too far away and I had no money on me, so I decided to walk. On my way, I saw a man laying down in a pool of blood near a damaged car. He most likely had a horrific car crash. With the help of a taxi driver that stopped by, we took him to the hospital. When we got there, the doctor said they needed some money to commence the man’s treatment. The man was very weak, but he could still talk. He gave me his debit card and told me his pin, to help him withdraw some money from the nearest ATM for his treatment. On getting to the ATM, I discovered his balance was 5 million naira (about 14,000 US Dollars).

I withdrew the amount necessary for his treatment to start – 71,000 naira (about 200 US Dollars). When I got back to the hospital, the taxi driver had left and the doctor told me that the man had died due to the injuries sustained from the crash and loss of a lot of blood.

Now, I don’t know any of this man’s relatives, and his phone or a form of ID weren’t on him. So, I’ve been thinking whether I should withdraw money from the man’s account, for my dad’s treatment. Could this be a blessing in disguise?? Or should I just take his debit card to the police station, and hopefully they’ll help locate his family members?

I need help to make a decision. Time is of essence in this situation…

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS!

My friend is planning to charm her husband with voodoo. She wants to turn him to a “mumu”, so that he can do anything she asks him to do. Her husband has been very good to me and my family. He helped pay our children’s school fees when we were going through rough times. He has also helped my husband to secure contracts with the government a couple of times.

I don’t know what to do now. Should I tell him what his wife is up to? I’m afraid of breaking their home though. Or should I just keep quiet and mind my business? Besides, I will be betraying my friend, if I tell him…

Please I need some advice…

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS!

My co-worker, Robert and I are good friends and we often joke around a lot. Last Friday, as I was getting into work, I saw a co-worker walking in front of me and I thought it was Robert. So, I playfully whistled at him and slapped his butt… By the time he turned, I realized it wasn’t Robert, it was a new employee. I now face sexual harassment charges at work, and I could possibly get fired soon.

What a way to end the year! I just hope they’ll listen to my explanation and I get to keep my job. I’m very worried…

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS!

I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years. Recently, he often starts fights with me for no obvious reason. Any little thing can cause a fight. I have been trying my best to behave “perfectly”, but fights still come up. It’s been a tough period for me emotionally. Throughout this time, I had been seeking advice from my best friend. Each time, her advice for me was to break up with my boyfriend.

Luckily, a couple of days ago, I stumbled on some text messages on his phone. The conversation was between him and my best friend! I discovered that they planned it all together. My boyfriend was to keep starting fights with me and she was to keep telling me to break up with him. They planned this so that they could turn their affair into a proper relationship, then make me look like an idiot for dumping him.

I have not confronted my boyfriend about this yet, but I feel betrayed and back-stabbed by my best friend. I thought we had each other’s backs. I will talk with my boyfriend very soon about the issue… This is just crazy, I can’t trust anymore… I now know why the past 3 months have been hell.

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS!

A month later, I was finally about to make it on time. I had been invited by my running club to give a talk on nutrition in November and the day I was supposed to do so, I forgot to show up. It stroke me at 6 pm that evening, right about the time I was supposed to start talking. Instead, I was at the office submerged in work and I suddenly remember that I committed to talk about macro-nutrients. Anyway, the talk was rescheduled for the 19th of December, and this time I promised myself I’d make it happen.

I did not have much time to prepare for the presentation but I had already developed some materials for a previous talk. So, I added some more stats and decided not to use a PowerPoint support. I arrived right on time for the talk and people were not necessarily into it. It was cold, they had to go run and there was a lot of snow outside.

I delivered the presentation, which was more like an exchange of experiences with the audience and was ready for my next appointment with the osteopath. Yet, I lingered a little bit at the risk of being late, but felt that everything would work out just fine.

Miraculously, the bus did not take long to come and I was feeling great about that. The mini-nightmare started when I got to the transfer station. The next bus I needed to take was late (my appointment was at 7 pm and it was already 6:50 pm). I thought I could walk the required distance but I did not want to do so in such weather conditions, so I waited.

Once in the bus, I remembered I had not withdrawn cash to pay for my appointment. I got off at what I thought to be the right stop and rushed to what I thought was the osteopath’s door, because of course; I thought I remembered the door after a year of not seeing him. Unsurprisingly, nobody opened. Maybe the right door was the one on the building to the left. I rushed again to ring that other bell. Nobody answered.

I was getting upset. I remember I had written his address and contact information. I checked it only to realize that I had gotten off at the wrong stop and that his building was a few blocks away. I rushed again. I was already 10 minutes late and had no cash. On getting there, he opened, I apologized and he said it was all right, that I could come in. I told him that I needed to withdraw money and he directed me to where the nearest ATM was, which was not far from the bus stop I initially felt I needed to get off at (speak louder, gut feeling! How am I supposed to listen to you with such a weak voice?).

I rushed again, sinking in snow banks at every step, sweating on my winter coat and carrying a heavy backpack on my back. I got the money, rushed back to his office and was ready to start again. I was already 20 minutes late.

 After explaining what I was there for (he barely remembered that he had seen me before), he told me to undress in order to start the session. He’s a European osteopath, so he sees patients in underwear, which by now is no longer a problem for me. Except for the fact that I was now sweating, I had started my period and I had also forgotten to wear deodorant that day! I had a spare set of undies but that’s all I was able to do to help my cause.

I started the session thinking that the worst was behind me so I tried to relax. I couldn’t.

He had some sort of flu, he blew his nose and continued working normally. Later on he put his finger in his ear and scratched it and continued working. I was lying on the bed thinking: “When is he going to stop and go wash his hands?” Well, he never did.

By the end of the session, he touched my chest in a way he had never done before. I was so tensed that I could hardly breathe. Fortunately, he remained professional even though I was feeling puzzled. It was by far the most awkward osteopathic session I have ever had.

After the session, I joined some friends at a bar and since I didn’t want to spoil my treatment, I ordered tea… Yes, tea at a bar. When it was time to go home, one of my friends told me to keep her and another female friend company, which I did reluctantly because I was tired and wanted to take a shower. I was hoping that one of them could give me a ride home, which was reasonable considering they have done so before.

After a visit to the supermarket and a walk to one of my friend’s car, she realized she had forgotten something at the bar and had to go back, leaving me without a ride, a heavy backpack and now failing pantyhose.  Ever since that race to the ATM, my pantyhose lost its waistline support, which made it come down to my knees. Every now and then, I had to pull each leg up and I did it at least three times before getting home.

What a night!

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS!

Washington D.C. Federal Court.

Deborah: Your honor, my client stated that he was on a trip, the day his wife was murdered. We have evidences from his company in Miami, the hotel and the airlines. Mr. Daniels was attending a business trade show in Miami, when his wife was killed. These evidences were being provided to the jury. According to the police report, the body of Mrs. Daniels was found in the house by her stepdaughter Ashley Daniels. She stated that her stepmother was having an affair with a black male gangster. Further investigations are still being conducted on the suspect. That should take the pressure off my client and he should be released, due to the fact that there is an insufficient amount of evidences.

Judge: Attorney Deborah, your client will be released until the police investigation is over. However, he will not be allowed to leave Washington D.C. until he is no longer considered a suspect. Case dismissed until further notice.

Deborah: Mr. Daniels, I believe you have heard the judge. It is important that you don’t leave the state, and that you keep in touch with me often. Please limit your association with friends and family. That could be a target of the media. At this point, we need to keep a low profile until the next hearing. I will be flying to New York in a few days, but I will be in touch with the investigators.

Mr Daniels: Thank you attorney.

Deborah took her briefcase and walked out of the courtroom.

Deborah: (calling) Hey Jade, it’s Deb. Call me as soon as you can. I need you to do the moral support thing. My ex-husband is ready to sign the divorce papers, and I need to have drinks after that. Talk to you soon.

Deborah Akambi is a 28-year-old attorney. She just ended a 5-year relationship with her university sweetheart Mathew. In order to get over the breakup, she is moving to New York. She is working on her last case in Washington D.C., defending a 63-year-old man accused of killing his 35-year-old wife.

(Incoming call from Mathew)

Mathew: Deborah, you are running late. What kind of woman are you?

Deborah: Mathew, get hold of yourself. Are you frustrated because I am late or because I wasn’t the wife of your dreams? I am sorry I didn’t cook. I am sorry I was too tired to wash your clothes and be your maid. Now, give me 20 minutes and I will be there. Bye.

(Incoming call from Jade)

Deborah: Hello Jade (Deborah crying)

Jade: Sweetie, everything is going to be ok. You broke up with your hubby, but you still got your swag. Besides, we are going to New York girl.

Deborah: Thanks dear. Once I am done with Mathew, I will be fine.

Jade: Ok, call me if you need me to go and bitch slap Mathew. Ok, love you.

Deborah: Love you too babe.

Deborah got hold of her BMW keys and started driving towards Mathew’s office. She switched on the radio to listen to the latest news. To her surprise, Mr. Daniels’ case was on every station.

Reporter: It is now confirmed that Mr. Daniels’ case has been reported to be on hold,  while investigators search for more suspects. The well-known attorney, Deborah Akambi is representing Mr. Daniels. It has been said that this will be her last case in Washington D.C. Legal specialists say that Mr. Daniels’ case can take up to a year to be judged, and they compare the complexity to that of OJ Simpson’s trial.

Deborah: OMG, the media, God bless you people. Mr. Daniels’ case is not as complex as OJ’s own. Jeez, why do they like overreacting?

Deborah parked her car outside of Mathew’s office. She got out of her car, and started walking to the entrance. Once inside, she took the lift to the 6th floor and went into Mathew’s office.

Mathew’s Lawyer: Mrs. Akambi, welcome.

Deborah didn’t bother to greet back. She sits down facing Mathew and she could not  believe that she was married to this man for almost 5 years. Five long years of whining, arguing and fighting.

Deborah: Mathew, you know you could have sent your divorce request through the mail, right? But no, you wanted to see me, right?

Mathew: Yes, I needed to see you face to face, to tell you this. As you know, under the law of Washington D.C., when one of the spouses is filing for divorce, the other party needs to be covered financially by the party that earns the most. In our case darling, you make more money than I do in a year. Therefore, I am entitled to receive 25% of your monthly income.

Deborah: Mathew, look at you. I know your broke ass is entitled to an allowance, but I thought you had pride.  I thought you were able to count your blessings and move on with your little girlfriend. Now, not only have you been messing around, but you also want me to take care of you and your little tramp. Wow. I tell you what buddy, I am going to sign the divorce papers and you are not going to file for the allowance. You move on with your life and I move on with mine. If you really want to eat my money, let’s take this case to court and I will sue your sorry ass for adultery. Trust me, I have enough evidences to put you in a mess. By the time I am done with you, I will leave you breathless. So, it’s up to you darling.

Mathew: Sign the goddamn papers and get out of my office.

Deborah: Good boy, I know you knew better.

Deborah signed the papers. She took a deep breath after that, and left Mathew’s office. She was sad, not because she divorced him, but because she couldn’t bare the thought of not being able to be the ideal wife.

Few days later… at the airport.

Jade: Deborah, hurry up. We are going to miss our flight.

Deborah: I am coming Jade. Gosh, my baggage is so heavy. I can see the gate Jade, it is still open. We made it!!!

Jade: Ok, look for the seats 43A and 44B

Deborah: Right here Jade. Sit your sexy ass down. Hahaha. Jade I’ve never asked you, but  why did you suggest I should move down to New York?

Jade: Darling, you are an attorney. Obviously, the city has a lot to offer you; more interesting cases, new hotties and of course, new friends. You are going to meet one of the hottest new designers in the city. Her name is Yinka. We grew up together, you are really going to love her. She will change your life forever. She is just what you need to get over Mathew.

Deborah: Oh really? I can’t see myself being best friends with a designer. But I guess seeing is believing. Let’s wait and see what this Yinka is all about…

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS! WATCH OUT FOR TABOO – Part 5

I’ve been dating a guy for about 2 months now. He’s an identical twin and I’m still not able to differentiate them.

One day, I went to visit my boyfriend. We were watching a movie and one thing led to another, we passionately made love. After making love, he said, “Sorry hun. You just made love to the wrong twin.” My mouth was wide open in shock. Before I could get myself back together, the other twin walked in. This was my boyfriend. To my surprise, they both laughed and said, “You failed the test!” Apparently, this is how they test whether their girlfriends are faithful or not. I felt used and deceived… I left their apartment angrily.

Since then, my boyfriend and I rarely talk… I think it’s better I move on???

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS!

My family has been attending the same church since I was born. My parents are disciplinarians and going to church was a Sunday ritual that could not be missed.

My siblings, Bolu and Tolu used to try to fake excuses every Sunday to skip church but my parents would never allow. Since I was little, going to church has always been an annoying routine for me because I had termed it “the Adedigba day” for me. The Adedigbas had been our family friends since I was born. They attended the same church with us and our parents are very close. The Adedigba family consists of Mr. Jide, Mrs. Bola and their two kids, Kola and Titi. Kola and I never got along. I hated seeing him in church, and I think the feeling was mutual. We insulted each other often but our parents would just laugh at us.

When I was 13 years old, I remembered the Adedigbas came over for one of their frequent lunch hangout. As they came into the house, mom yelled at me to go set the table. I could see Kola laughing as my mom yelled at me. I didn’t know I could even hate him more than I already did, but he became my number one enemy of all times. He is so arrogant and irritating.  We always avoided each other. Titi on the other hand is beautiful and nice. She was always so pleasant and quiet.

My mom and Mrs. Bola are very close and would go to the salon together all the time. One day, mom came back from the salon and called me. She started insisting I apply to only University of Ibadan. When I asked why that university, she said her and dad thought it would be great for me. Besides, dad has a lecturer friend in the school. So I agreed. Later that evening, I heard my mom on the phone tell Mrs. Bola that both Kola and I are set to go to that university. I was furious. I immediately informed them I would not be applying that school. The issue became so serious, that my mom would not speak to me for weeks. Both Bolu and Tolu were pleading with me to just do it. Bolu said, “Do you realize how big University of Ibadan is? You probably will never run into him if you don’t want to. You have to make our folks happy. Mom is really taking this issue to the next level”. I thought about it and decided Bolu was right. I didn’t have to see the idiot, I thought.

That evening, I went to tell my mom about my decision to attend the University of Ibadan. She was excited. She started praying for me and thanking me. My dad just smiled and said, “Women like drama sha”. My relationship with my mom got better after that incident.

I finally got admission into the University of Ibadan and so did Kola. I was studying Biology and Kola was studying Civil Engineering. We never saw each other in school and it was great. Whenever I got home, my mom would pester me about Kola, and how we are supposed to be looking after each other. I was glad her plan was not turning out as she expected and she became frustrated.

I was in my 2nd year at the university, when one day, as I was returning to my room after class, a lady approached me. She introduced herself as Adiba. She said someone told her about me and she would like us to be friends. We realized we both stayed in the same dorm and exchanged numbers. We hung out a few times. Adiba and I were chatting in my room one day and she asked me if I had any boyfriend. I told her I didn’t want to date anyone. Then she asked, “Are you going to ask me if I have anyone?” , I realized she was expecting me to ask her, so I asked, “How about you? Are you seeing anyone?” She smiled and got excited. She said, “I want to be in a relationship so bad. The guy I like, I don’t know if he even knows I exist.” She looked down sadly. I moved closer to her and asked if the guy attends our school. She responded with a nod. I told her, “Honestly, I know we are not close friends but I hope you don’t mind my advice. If you like the guy as much as you do, then I think you should go talk to him”. She grinned excitedly, and moved closer to me. “Sola, that is exactly what I am planning to do. Honestly, you are the only one that can help me”. I looked at her and said, “I can’t go and ask a random guy out for you o. That is not going to happen”. I shook my head and moved away from her. Then she started begging me, and after a couple of minutes, I told her I would help her. Then, she surprised me by asking me to promise her I would do everything I could to help her. I felt uneasy about it but I figured it shouldn’t be hard to talk to a guy about Adiba. She is a pretty and has a good character. I thought about how any guy would not notice a girl like Adiba. She was tall, slim, and curvy. After promising her that I would help, she told me she already stalked the guy and found out the guy would be at Rex’s Bar and Grill at 7pm.  She continued, “When you reach the bar, call his number and tell him you want to talk to him. When you see him, please Sola, say all the nice things you can say about me to him”. I promised to perform better than her expectations and would give her feedback once I left the bar.

The next day, I got to the bar at 7pm as planned. I was wearing a short red skirt with green tight top. I wanted to look good, so the guy would understand that my friend is also pretty. As I sat at the bar, I turned around and I saw Kola. He was staring at me like I was a ghost. I immediately turned around and walked to the other side of the bar where he couldn’t see me. I was irritated seeing him again. I hadn’t seen him in months and had even forgotten we attended the same school. So, I brought out my phone and called the guy. It was loud and inaudible, as I tried to move around to hear him well; I got a tap on my back. I turned round and Kola was standing in front of me with his phone in his hand. He looked even sillier with the confused face he had. I angrily yelled at him, “What do you want?”. He continued to stare at me dumbly and I continued, “Just because I am here doesn’t mean you and I will be friends now. So please get lost jo”. I tried to move past him, and then he responded, “Why are you on the phone with me?” I responded, “What the heck are you talking about?” He then said calmly, “Sola, you are on the phone with me. You just called me”. I looked at my phone and started to stutter. I realized Kola was the guy Adiba wanted me to talk to. I immediately pushed passed him and ran out of the bar. I felt so embarrassed as I walked back to my room.

When I got to my room, Adiba was waiting there for me. I told her what had happened and she responded, “So did you tell him about me?”. I looked at her and said, “Did you not hear what I said? The guy you just sent me to, is Kola.” Then she responded, “I know you are related to him, that was why I asked you to help me. What is the big deal?” I felt tricked. I yelled at her for not telling me it was Kola and made me embarrass myself in front of him. I realized that was the only reason she became friends with me. I walked out on her and slammed the door to my room.

Some days later, Kola started calling my phone and I decided not to pick. I figured if I didn’t pick up, he would stop calling. On that Friday, as I got to my dorm after classes, I saw Kola standing in front of my door. I froze. He had seen me, so I couldn’t run back. He looked worried and tired. It looked like he had been waiting for a while. So I approached him and said rudely, “What are you doing here?” He responded, “You know, I have always wondered why you hate me so much”. I looked at him with much disgust and responded, “You don’t know why?” I opened the door to my room and went in, he followed. “Nice place”, he said.  I ignored him and started to take off my shoes. He was looking around the room and admiring the pictures on the wall. That was the first time I really looked at Kola and realized how built he was. I could see his swollen chest and flat stomach through the fitted shirt. Kola is at least 6’2 in height, slim and built. I could understand why Adiba was so crazy about him. I snapped out of my thought and got angry at myself for even thinking about “Annoying” Kola in that manner. I angrily asked him, “Look, what are you looking for here?” he turned around and said, “I want to know why you were stalking me that other day”. I was so irritated with the arrogance in his voice and I was still staring at him. Then he continued, “I have always had this feeling you like me, and…” I didn’t let him finish before I charged towards him. He immediately held my hands and pushed me towards the wall. His masculinity was hard on my body and his face was just inches from mine. He stared into my eyes with so much passion in his eyes. Suddenly I was confused. I felt something I had never experienced in my life. His gaze was so strong and sexy. Before I knew what I was doing, I kissed him. He returned the kiss passionately and it suddenly felt like we were both releasing emotions that had been hidden for years. His lips were soft as he plunged harder against mine. We started reaching for each other’s clothes. Once all the clothes were off, he lifted me into his arms and dropped me gently on the bed. He planted some few kisses on my lips then worked his way down my belly and further down. The pleasure was unbearable, and I softly begged between the pleasures “take me”. His hands spread my legs wider and plunged into me; we hurriedly climaxed into this beautiful world I had never experienced. As we lay there breathing heavily, he broke the silence and said, “So, why do you hate me so much again?”…

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS! WATCH OUT FOR “AFTERMATH” – PART 2

I’ve been married for 12 years with a son. I am an engineer with a popular construction company. As part of our work schedule, we travel to different locations, far and near. Whenever we travel, we try to have fun as much as possible after work. On one of our many trips, my co-worker suggested we patronize some prostitutes after work. I was initially reluctant, but I agreed after much pressure.

Four weeks later, I was back home. Then, I suddenly developed a fever. I had sore throat and cold sweats at night. I was getting worried… I hoped I did not get any STD cause the condom broke during intercourse with the prostitute. My wife was worried too but I told her it’s just stress from traveling. The following day, I found time to go get tested for HIV secretly. After the test, I waited impatiently for the results. On getting the result, my worst fear was confirmed; I was HIV positive. I immediately got so depressed. There’s no way I could possibly tell my wife. Where will I say I got it from? So, I decided not to tell her.

After some weeks, our only son became critically ill and he needed blood. His blood type is rare, but same as mine. Therefore, the doctor suggested I donate blood to my son. The problem is that I can’t donate my blood to him because of my positive status. I asked the doctor if we can get some blood from the blood bank. The doctor was baffled, he couldn’t understand why I won’t donate blood to my own son. As for my wife, she was totally enraged. “Our only son’s life is at stake. Are you crazy?”, she said. I refused to donate blood on that day.

Since then however, life has been hell for me at home. Our son is still at the hospital and his situation is not getting any better. I am at a crossroads now. I regret that I caved in to the pressure of my coworker and patronized a prostitute. I don’t want my son to die, but I don’t want to infect him with the virus either. This single mistake can possibly destroy my life totally…

Should I confess to my wife and face my fear once and for all? What will she do? What will happen? Will it end my marriage? Help me please…

SHIIIT HAPPENS GUYS!